Most often people seek to be kind. It’s how they approach everyday situations as well as working In a team. It’s in line with everything I’ve been taught, that is the ideas about being polite and kind to the grownups I learned as a child.

There is nothing wrong with this, but maybe it is also doomed to fail. At least when we go beyond the normal rules of politeness and kindness towards others. On a social level, there is an agreement describing simple rules of behavior, politeness, and kindness towards others. It is an agreement everyone usually understands as it is embedded in the group’s culture.

However, these rules concern mainly traditions and rituals. They describe the form of the way people relate to one another, but they can’t give an answer to everyday decisions and how they can come about while satisfying those involved. Reaching that conclusion requires a different skill set.

Seeking to be kind, becomes a trap as it requires knowing what is considered kind by the other and being able to have a dialogue with the other that is about making things right through the kindness brought into the conversation.

It’s a setting that can work. However, it also is a setting with high ambitions and fewer resources to achieve one’s goal than needed. It’s tough to constantly know what is understood and experienced as kindness by the other.

So maybe it’s more interesting to play the losers game and settle with seeking to avoid unkindness.

Choosing the game one plays doesn’t change that people want to win or get what they are aiming for. What changes is the way they believe to be the best to be able to win.

Which is, as I’m describing it here, to let go of focusing on being kind, and to decide to focus on not being unkind. The social setting describes enough rules allowing us to see what is perceived as unkind. Thus avoiding being unkind comes with quite a lot of instructions. They help to stay in the game for long enough.