When, in a given moment, people can experience that their doing, their thinking, and their feelings sum up to a whole, the sense of self will be experienced without tension.
It doesn’t matter if the doing is doing nothing, if the feelings seem comfortable or not, and if thoughts are challenging or entertaining. What is relevant is the sense of coherence between the three. Once it is there, the person will have a sense of self he or she can describe. It makes the idea of who they are accessible.
It may not be how they would like it to be, but it can be.
The more ease of accepting themselves as they are they experience, the less the felt difference between who they want to be and who they are.
Experiencing coherence of thoughts, feelings, and actions, accepting it as who we are leaves enough tensions to grow. But now they are based on the choices we make. The one to know who we are and where to we want to change.