Many of us have heard the idea that the word but erases whatever has been acknowledged by the yes. It is followed by the invitation to avoid using the word but. The guiding principle behind this invitation is the idea that using “yes, but” lacks positivity.

A different perspective is, that what is lacking here is the ability to deal with the tension between the statement described with the “yes” and the statement that follows the “but.” It’s the challenge to deal with two details that seem to oppose one another.

The question is whether those involved in the exchange choose to look into the possibilities to develop what these two positions can allow to create that is different and new. The other option is that they identify with one or the other and assume that the only possibilities are that one or the other wins, or that both lose, for example through compromising.

One can ask the person choosing one position to change her attitude. And one can propose to explore the possibilities together.