When a connection establishes itself between two people, there is a space of contact within which a question appears. It’s where people wonder if they are the same or if they are different.

Naturally logic tells us that two people are different.

But the experience of contact often is a search for similarities, that is, when it isn’t a search for differences. It’s the discovery of what the bond between people looks like and how it changes. In a way, it’s a continuous processing of the bond that once existed before being born and the realization of separateness upon birth. It’s a process that is full of surprises, notably when differences or similarities appear and lead to an unexpected sense of relief, disappointment, hope, or frustration.

Usually, such a process isn’t planned. It’s automatic.

However, the process of discovering and establishing a bond can be planned and conscious. What cannot be planned is its outcome.

It’s a process of learning to know the desired similarities as well as the differences that are expected to remain present. And it’s a process of harmonizing both.

The first is what people need to learn about themselves and the other.

The second describes the work to be done to dissolve the different appreciations of similarities and differences. Where people err, is in the assumption that this is where the other needs to change.

It’s way more effective to learn what they are and to find a way to respect them. It’s a learning that can never happen alone.

Once the group grows larger, this process becomes too complex. It’s the reason norms and rules became necessary. Norms tend to be invisible and link with expectations. Whereas rules can be made visible. They aim to describe what to do, even though they often address what not to do.