Happiness, joy, or comfort rarely come by themselves. As that’s fairly well known, people developed their own strategies to get there. But most strategies will reflect what is perceived as common wisdom. For some, it is to work hard, for others it to win more frequently than others, or to live the days as they come.

Like many, a friend of mine was in for making sure that he would use his time most efficiently. He expected that being constantly active and networking as well as presenting himself on Facebook would create the benefit he was looking for. But now he shared how much he enjoyed an activity that obliged him to disconnect for a few hours. Being together with his peers, and following some routines allowing him time to think was transforming his experience of himself.

Discussing it, we were able to uncover how this time to think while being surrounded by his peers was calming him down. It was just what he needed to feel alive.

By keeping his mind busy following some threads on Facebook he was performing an activity and doing work needing his energy. But being unaware of it, he filled the gaps of time available to him with it, robbing himself of the moments he could have used to fulfill his needs by consciously engaging in reflection.

He wasn’t doing what would have been useful for himself. He was doing what he believed he had to do.

People seek to fulfill their needs, but often they don’t make themselves aware enough of them. Most often, because caring for their needs would require them to go out of their way, ask for feedback or support, or require other ways to actively seek to fulfill one’s need oneself. Instead there often is an implicit hope that others will understand the need and solve it.

It is leaving caring for oneself to chance. And it is allowing oneself to focus one’s attention on spending energy instead of creating the space to allow batteries to refill.

But empty batteries make it hard to stay positive and to take the time to refill them. They require immediate solutions. The urge to fulfill one’s need then leads into either retreat to a space where no support is available or to aggressive behavior expecting others to finally do what was hoped for.

For those experiencing this behavior, it becomes a sense of being aggressed or let alone. Unaware of the idea that a need might be expressed, they react to what they see. That is a conflict.