The desire to be independent often is linked to a desire to let go of rules.

The ability to be interdependent on the other hand is linked to one’s ability to have a clear assessment of the existing rules. It includes the ability to know and agree on rules that can be let go of.

How we deal with rules has much to do with our relationship with them. That is also our perception of how we are affected by them.

If rules are only seen as restrictions the desire for independence will become stronger. If the existing rules also make life easier interdependence becomes more accessible. Among the criteria that make life easier, there will be the experience that rules apply to everyone in the group, that they enable fairness, and that are followed. It’s the experience that life in the group becomes more predictable and accessible.

However, there is another dimension to rules. It’s the way one seeks to enforce them and fears that they may not be applied properly.

It’s something I’ll often see when participating in a golf competition. Some learned the rules and use them to help others. But there are also those who never ask how rules could apply in the situation they are in or those who continuously cite rules without checking with others how they assess the situation. In the latter cases, rules are used to deal with one’s anxiety and retain a sense of control.

The best groups I’ve been in know the rules and take them to discuss what to do in a situation that isn’t clear to everyone. They use the rules to explore possibilities.