When situations lead to a sense of not being heard, of desiring to be understood or finding oneself misunderstood, the natural reaction is to assume it is the other who has to change.

The conversation flow will then lead to an exchange of what the other did or didn’t do.

It is a challenging situation for all those involved as blame is not far and curiosity about the situation and the other is reduced. Vulnerability is at the forefront. That is the desire for security is heightened and everyone’s defense or protection mechanisms appear. It reduces everyone’s ability to think

What moved out of focus, is what the participants want from the conversation, why they engaged in the conversation, and what the relationship is about.

When relationships are being built, these ideas often will not be clear at all.

People are starting off with an idea of who the other is, what they want, and that being in the same context creates the relationship. As they rush ahead, they overlook the signals showing differences and expectations of sameness. They assume a similar intention of wanting to build a relationship.

With rhythms differing, the expectations emerging from being connected become, like bumps in the road, means to slow down the process.

Depending on the individual’s willingness and ability to step back, the bumps in the road, end up bringing the process to a halt or slow the participants down until they find a matching rhythm allowing them to reestablish the process.

The desire to see the other change is there to feel more secure. Stepping into the relationship may not be about the other one needing to change, or assuming that change is not necessary. It is much more about adjusting to one another and establishing a space where all can become visible to the others as they are and not as they are expected to be.