It may be one of the most limiting approaches to self.

Imagine someone who identifies himself as being someone who avoids conflict. That person now has to work hard to prevent something he has only minor control over.

Imagine someone who identifies with being someone who values a specific brand of cars. Choosing a car of a different brand becomes an exercise of redefining his identity.

Identifying oneself with others, a lifestyle, or a way of acting may be something we do to belong and show how we belong. However, it also means that the indicated identity is a reference. It becomes a rule of how to be, one that needs to be aligned with what one does. Such rules have been established without knowing what the future will bring, often inviting to apply a rule regardless of the situation.

A different approach is to determine the values that one adheres to. Having such values doesn’t change anything about liking a specific brand of cars or wanting to avoid conflicts. But having values means that they can be used to guide one’s actions and can be aligned with other values we hold. Having such alignment allows us to prioritize values and thus to act according to a system of values. However, they do require exploring how the value applies to the situation. Every situation thus expands the existing understanding of one’s own values.

Instead of having one rule to follow, the individual has principles that guide his behavior. These principles can be questioned according to the situation and used to choose one’s action.

It compares with having guardrails instead of having a track that one has to stay on.