Human beings are social beings. Whatever happens, at some stage, the desire to feel connected to a group and experience belonging will reappear.
However, there are two aspects of a group that make the group relevant. One is the warmth it provides. It leads to a sense of trust and contributes to our belief that it is a group that will help us when needed. The other aspect is the sense of strength we’ll find ourselves confronted with. We’ll search for it as strength contributes to our belief that we belong to a strong group and one that can protect its members. At the same time, the presence of strength will confront us with someone more powerful than us, which can be anxiety-provoking.
These two aspects, warmth, and strength, have a major impact on how we relate to others.
The more one is confronted with strength, the more impressed one will be, possibly even with anxiety emerging as to what might happen if that strength is turned against us. That is why we look and search for trust. It helps us know that such strength will not be turned against us.
Until then, and until some trust established itself, we’ll often seek to contribute to the group by responding with our strength, our competence, as if there was a competition to all be seen as strong and competent. It isn’t a competition to win, but one to be accepted.
However, this can only happen if we sort it out on our own, if we work for ourselves, and out of the belief that competence will lead to acceptance.
While this might be a road to establishing trust, it requires persuasion, in some ways it requires winning over the other.
A different approach appears through our ability to be open and offer as well as welcome warmth. Acceptance is given and invites contributions where our strengths and competencies might and will be used where they are useful.
It is the approach that requires more openness and trust in oneself. But it invites others’ trust.
The reason strength often will be the chosen approach is, that it doesn’t require openness, that it first and foremost uses strength to protect ourselves. It is a choice that doesn’t differentiate between our group and others. It excludes us from the group.
