A sentence I hear often in Germany is “wie kann ich ihn abholen?” Literally “How can I pick him up?”

The idea behind this sentence is that the speaker searches for a method of easing one’s communication. Usually, the context is that the person has an idea and wants the other to embrace it. The idea seems driven by the fear that one may be misunderstood or fail to see the other embrace the idea.

Similarly, someone who isn’t sure what to do with the idea, doesn’t get the point, or questions the idea might say that he doesn’t feel “picked up.”

The more I hear this sentence, the more frustrating I find it.

The origins of this idea are sound. If a speaker doesn’t connect with the audience, if his ideas cannot be understood or followed by the audience, it is a waste of time for everyone. Working on one’s presentation, clarifying one’s idea, and describing it in words that ease an understanding is necessary.

However, when ambition transforms itself into the expectation to succeed, there is no connection anymore. The speaker’s idea shifted from speaking with his audience to speaking to them. And the listeners’ approach shifted from engaging to understanding what the other seeks to convey, to making his understanding dependent on the others’ performance.

What’s most frustrating is when it happens in a conversation. Then, either power and responsibility were delegated to one person, or one person assumed to have the responsibility and believed they should also have the power “to pick the other up.”

The alternative that both could search for a place where meeting is natural to both is lost on them.