When two computers seek to connect and exchange data, they always start with a short protocol that establishes the connection. Those remembering modems or faxes will remember hearing some sounds and a response to them before any transmission was started.

It’s a defined sequence recognizable to both sides of the exchange.

Humans do the same.

They’ll call it politeness. Depending on the rules they have learned, they will choose how to say hello proactively or as a reaction.

I also remember that as a young professional, I was still trying to figure out how to end a letter appropriately especially when writing in French. The idea was to choose the right sentence according to one’s relationship with the other person and their status. One had to learn how to do it, as awkward as it seemed. Once learned it freed the communication.

Some of that habit is getting lost, since people became used to short message services, like SMS, WhatsApp, Signal, or any other such service. Quite often these messages don’t start with a hello anymore, nor do they use any of the closing sentences.

Many praise these changes as becoming more efficient, or more easygoing with one another.

While this might be true, it is also making everyone’s life much more complicated.

People may feel free to choose the greeting they find normal, but it also means they have fewer ideas of what others expect.

That gap of knowledge used to be filled by the rules of politeness, that is the protocol. Having a protocol meant that people knew what they could expect and felt less vulnerable to the possibility of making an error. And those on the receiving end didn’t need to search for means to feel respected according to their expectations.

Naturally, the protocol wasn’t serving everyone perfectly, but that wasn’t its role. It was there to make things more predictable and boundaries less confusing for everyone. It was also there to allow for more flexibility once people allowed themselves to negotiate the rules. Such conversations were needed to change the protocol, to become better acquainted, and to help those involved to experience how their relationship evolved.

The distance established by the protocol allowed gradually reducing the distance, not only based on status but also on individual preferences. Keeping the distance helped people feel less vulnerable. Reducing vulnerability allowed feeling less of a need to become defensive or aggressive.

Some may conclude that it also reduced the use of authority. That is a possibility. However, I’d assert that authority within rules is less dangerous than unleashed power. The latter seems to lead to fewer people feeling at ease to speak up and more people becoming submissive or having unpredictable changes of opinion.