A feature of relationships is that they are and that at the same time, they are constantly changing.
The most impactful change often is also the easiest and hardest at the same time: it’s a change of perception of how one relates to the other.
It starts with the simple idea that when two people come into contact, a relationship is established. The simple reason why the relationship changes is that those involved have differing ideas of what it is. Contributing these differences changes the relationship.
Whenever differences appear, they impact the relationship as they lead to reactions and a need to adjust to one another. The simplest adjustment is to acknowledge that there is a difference. Often, the most challenging adjustment is to ask one of both to let go of his ideas and accept the ones suggested instead.
Everything else will happen within a process of adjusting to one another.
Within this process of adjusting to one another, there is a process of changing the relationship itself. This process has a deliberate impact on the relationship. It results from the expectations, hopes, and ambitions of those involved. It is, for example, how friendships form themselves, or how people working together can develop a close collaboration. Naturally, it’s also how expectations, hopes, and ambitions can backfire and people can decide to part ways.
The logic and the description highlight how simple this is.
It becomes complicated whenever people don’t notice or pay attention to the difference that appears in the moment.
Whatever difference appears is a signal that those involved might not have the same perception of the relationship as it is in the moment. These are moments when the other person’s behavior is being interpreted when the meaning of it has not been shared. It’s how people remain at risk of being misunderstood.
Tolerance is our ability to accept not knowing instead of deciding on an interpretation.
Trust builds on tolerance, but also on the willingness to engage, address existing differences, and learn how to let them be.
Through such conversations, the respective perceptions become available, allowing one to see how they impact the relationship and decide if anything needs to be done about it.
Relationships most often fail when differences remain unacknowledged and unaddressed. Differences make the other visible to us, and relationships help us contain these differences.
