A theme I frequently see is the forcefulness of self-critic after making a mistake. As a client described it recently: “there is no reason for indulgence if I made a mistake.”
A bit later I could observe how a small mistake he made, led to him roleplaying the reaction of a child seeking to disappear out of sight of his parents. Making a joke of his reaction he was displaying how his mistake seemed to him worth a punishment. But also showed the ambiguity of his pleasure that he wouldn’t be punished.
It is easy to categorize actions as good or bad. It takes any ambiguity of one’s responsibility away and allows for some kind of certainty. At the same time, it eases a sense of injustice, as one’s own mistakes never go unpunished, whereas other people’s mistakes can go unpunished.
What is missing here, is the ability to self-regulate and take a nurturing position towards self.
The ability to take a nurturing position towards self is nothing else than the ability to be kind to oneself as one can be with friends, or as one can be with children. To learn children, just like adults, need to step into a zone of confusion and not knowing. Feeling loved eases that step for children. Adults are more used to the need to make this effort in learning, and often develop tolerance towards mistakes and thus the ability to be kind.
However, where there is a high desire for performance, a large expectation of perfection, or a fear of rejection from others it becomes hard to self-regulate and find the ability to be gentle with oneself. It has been replaced with a form of discipline requiring pushing awareness of one’s own emotions away. Denial replaces self-regulation.
As the habit to criticize oneself harshly established itself, the ability to love oneself faded.
It may be the consequence of a perceived lack of love from nurturing parents. One that the individual is perpetuating with himself by confusing what he wanted with what he received. It’s the result of protecting oneself from sensing his relational need that wasn’t met and inevitably led to disappointment.
It explains why there also is a valid reason to be harsh to oneself.
Continuing to avoid awareness of one’s emotion keeps the system alive. Becoming aware of it, on the other hand, may be frightening as it inevitably recalls the disappointment.
Developing kindness towards self has nothing of indulgence. It’s much more an exercise requiring courage. The courage to choose a different response than the habitual one. The courage to step into a confusing emotion and situation without knowing that that courage comes with love.
